Tales From Draft Day | The Horn Of Patterson


It’s time to sit down by this roasty fire, and let ol’ Uncle Lupagus tell you a tale.  This is a tale that happened long ago in the small suburb of Two Harbors, Minnesota called Segog.  All names will be changed to keep identities and dignities intact.  It was the first year the NFL had changed the Draft from a Saturday/Sunday affair.

Ol’ Twobar and Lipagus were very dismayed by this change and weren’t sure when to have the Draft Party.  They ultimately decided to just have it on that Friday night after many days and weeks of intense and heated discussions.  The year was 2009 and some new faces came to the party that year.  Mingus’ father in law, Punto, and Patterson were just a few.  Now Patterson is the one I’d like to point out.  Patterson has three loves in his life, the Minnesota Vikings, very tight fitting jeans, and Jesus Christ.  I mean this guy never missed a Saturday night Mass.  He showed up to the party that night very excited.  He brought with him one of those purple semi soft Viking horns you can blow into, and a big inflatable Viking guy, that we blew up and sat by for our group picture that year.

So fast forward a few hours and many beers later.  The Vikings are getting close to being on the clock.  The majority of the party wanted the Vikings to take the “Blindside” himself Michael Oher.  Our offensive line was a mess and we saw Oher as the answer.  There were rumors swirling that the Vikings were interested in Florida WR Percy Harvin, but most of us didn’t believe the Vikings would actually take a guy who tested positive for marijuana at the Combine.  The picks continued to roll in and soon the moment of destiny was upon us. The VIKINGS WERE ON THE CLOCK.

As DraftSeaon tradition, Lipagus and Twobar stripped down to their boxers in anticipation of the pick, and celebratory shirtless chest bump that was soon to follow.  Shockingly enough both Michael Oher and Percy Harvin were still available. That was the discussion Berman and the boys were having on the ESPN panel.  As the minutes ticked down, the room suddenly got quiet and there was a ton of sexual tension in the air.  Lipagus slyly looked about the room as the silence and anticipation were killing him.  To his right, he saw the horn lying on the ground, he picked it up and blew hard and a sound of thunder came barreling out of it, cutting the tension out of the room.  But then the commissioner walked out, and the horn was tossed to the side, and all was quiet again.  He approached the mike and made that fateful announcement, “With the 23rd Pick the Minnesota Vikings select……Percy Harvin WR, Florida”.  The room erupted with a mixture of applause and anger.  One person who was not mixed on his feelings was Twobar.  He was so angry he punched his ceiling tile, destroying it right then and there.

The post pick chatter commenced around the room, as attendees gave their opinions on Harvin and what he could do for the Vikings offense.  Lipagus was enjoying a large sip of his Mich Golden Light when suddenly he was struck down.  An angry Twobar came flying across the room and blindsided the helpless Lipagus.  Lipagus flew into the couch with beer flying everywhere.  But ‘Ol Twobar wasn’t done yet.  He begin snarling, and drooling and started to tear away at the Lipagus’ boxers like a rabid dog.  Lips tried to fight back, but was still woozy from that sneak attack.  Twobar was relentless and soon Lipagus’ brand new Vikings boxers were nothing but tattered purple rags, and he was left exposed to all, with his crooked, floppy dong hanging in the wind.

Lipagus looked for his clothes, but Inhouse, that sneaky bastard, stole them after Lips took them off prior to the announcement of the pick.  Lipagus was not only nude, but starting to get cold, so he frantically searched about the room and then he saw it. It seemed to glow purple in the early evening light.  Yes there it sat, the Horn of Patterson.  Lipagus picked it up and immediately put the open end of the horn over his man junk.  Lucky for the Lipagus, there was an elastic band attached to the end of the horn, for wearing it around one’s neck I presume.  Lips’ pulled it up and found it fit quite snugly on his waist.  Lipagus found he liked the way it felt and proceeded to wear nothing but that horn for the next few selections.  He seemed to forget it didn’t belong to him and eventually he looked over at Patterson.  The poor guy had a look on his face that was a mixture of pure horror, sadness, and apathy.  It must have been similar to the look on a young child’s face when they learn that Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny aren’t real.   His beloved horn was now defiled by the sweaty, meaty, stink of Lipagus’ man parts.  Shortly after, Lipagus’ put his clothing back on and placed the horn on the floor.  He looked up to find Patterson, but the poor man had silently made his exit.  It turned out to be Patterson’s first Draft party, and also his last.

The horn was left untouched on the floor the rest of the evening, never to be blown into again. Many years have passed since this story took place, and many times was the Horn of Patterson cleaned, but it is said that if one were to hold the horn to their nose and take a deep whiff, the smell of sweaty, stinky man balls can still be smelled to this very day…


Vikings Writers Predict the 48th Overall Selection

With draft week upon us it was time to take the pulse of some of the top voices in Viking land. We asked some of the best out there who they think the Vikings could realistically target come round 2. Surprisingly there was a wide variety of players and position, drink it in below, and remember to give each one of them a follow while you are at it, you won’t regret it.

Adam Patrick | @Str8_Cash_Homey

The Viking Age

With the 48th selection of the 2017 NFL Draft, Adam Patrick selects ……

Chris Wormley DT, Michigan
This could have been a landing spot for Florida defensive tackle Caleb Brantley, but he had to go and knock a woman’s tooth out. But the Vikings will just have to settle with Wormley who is not too shabby of a consolation prize.
Believe it or not, Minnesota’s top need right now is a run-stuffing defensive lineman. Wormley helps them in that area and is also able to line up at almost any spot on the defensive line.

Austin Belisle | @austincbelisle

Viking Territory

With the 48th selection of the 2017 NFL Draft, Austin Belisle selects ……

Alvin Kamara RB, Tennessee

The Minnesota Vikings are in a tough spot this offseason; without a first-round pick, general manager Rick Spielman’s options are limited. Most, if not all of the premier offensive tackles will be off the board, making his decision at No. 48 a matter of preference. Does he go with the best player available (BPA) or stick with his gut and take his favorite player available? I’m leaning toward ‘favorite,’ and that player could be Kamara. He’s essentially Cordarrelle Patterson 2.0, with the ability to line up in the backfield, in the slot, and as a kick returner.

While I’m not necessarily advocating for the selection, Spielman has a history of waiting until the later rounds to acquire depth at offensive line. Plus, Kamara met with the team at the Combine and visited Winter Park as part of the exclusive Top-30; he’s clearly a player of interest for the franchise.

Jordan Reid | @JReidDraftScout

The Viking Age

With the 48th selection of the 2017 NFL Draft, Jordan Reid selects ……

Pat Elflein C/RG , Ohio State

My biggest fear is that there will be a run on offensive lineman within the first-40 picks of the draft, and I think it’s going to happen. Prospects like Dan Feeney and Dion Dawkins are ideal, but I think they will be gone. Elflein would be a great choice for the Vikings at pick no. 48 because he fills a need at center and/or right guard.

He’s shown that he is able to play both and he also potentially provides you with the immediate successor to Joe Berger, who’s entering the final year of his contract and turns 35 years-old next month.

BJ Reidell | @RobertReidell

Viking Territory

With the 48th selection of the 2017 NFL Draft, BJ Reidell selects ……

Malik McDowell DT, Michigan State

Attempting to pinpoint a specific player to the Minnesota Vikings is a fool’s errand given how deep into the draft the 48th overall pick is.

That said, if McDowell happens to slide all the way to Minnesota due to concerns about his motor and other character issues, the Vikings simply cannot pass on an opportunity to replace Sharrif Floyd with the electric talent out of Michigan State.

Yinka Ayinde | @Saxyprince

Cold Omaha

With the 48th selection of the 2017 NFL Draft, Yinka Ayinde selects ……

Joe Mixon RB, Oklahoma

His off-the-field issues aside, Mixon is the best RB in this draft class, with his ability to run between the tackles and make catches outside the numbers.

Mixon has burst, balance, and the ability to break several tackles. He struggles with fumbles, and gets caught in the back field too often, but make no mistake he would be a day 1 weapon for the Vikings.

Matt Falk| @Matt_Falk


With the 48th selection of the 2017 NFL Draft, Dan Feeney selects ……

Dan Feeney G, Indiana

Dan Dan he’s my man. This is my number 1 target (barring anyone unexpectedly sliding). Feeney would slide right in at right tackle and along with FA pickups Reiff and Remmers give the Vikings one hell of an upgrade to an offensive line that was tough to watch.

The Indiana bigman who has started since his freshman year plays tough and smart, and is looked at as a sure thing to be an above average interior NFL lineman. While he has been projected anywhere from round 1 to round 3 he SHOULD hear his name right around the time the Vikings are on the clock.


Plan of Attack for the 2017 NFL Draft | Atlanta Falcons

The Draft is nigh, so  it’s time to take a detailed look at each team’s acquisitions and losses and gauge a plan of attack for how they should approach the first three rounds.  We’ll start with the lowly Cleveland Browns and work our way all the way up to the Super Bowl Champs in New England.  The Falcons kick off Draft week.


Team Needs:  S, DE, OLB, CB, RT

Free Agent Losses: FB Patrick DiMarco, WR Aldrick Robinson, LB Paul Worrilow

Free Agent Acquisitions: S Kemal Ishmael (resigned), QB Matt Schaub (resigned), TE Levine Toilolo (resigned), CB Bidi Wreh-Wilson (resigned), NT Dontari Poe, WR Andre Roberts, G Hugh Thornton, FB Soma Valnuku

See who we have the Falcons taking in the following Updated Mocks| Ultimate | Onebar | Lupagus 

Potential Round 1 Targets:  S Obi Melifonwu, S/LB Jabrill Peppers, T Cam Robinson, OT Garrett Bolles,  CB Marlon Humphrey, CB Gareon Conley, CB Kevin King                 Image result for falcons logo pictures

Potential Round 2 Targets:   CB Teez Tabor, CB Fabian Moreau, CB Quincy Wilson, CB Chidobe Awuzie, CB Ahkello Witherspoon, G/T Dion Dawkins, G/T Taylor Moton, G/T Antonio Garcia, S Budda Baker, S Desmond King, S Marcus Maye, DE Demarcus Walker, DE Carl Lawson, DE Jordan Willis, DE Derek Rivers

Potential Round  3 Targets: CB Jourdan Lewis, CB Corn Elder, CB Rasul Douglas, LB Anthony Walker Jr., LB Kendall Beckwith, LB Alex Anzalone, OT Adam Bisnowaty, OT Zach Banner, S Eddie Jackson, S Justin Evans, S Marcus Williams, DE Tanoh Kpassagnon, DE Tarrell Basham

Plan of Attack:
The Falcons had the Lombardi Trophy in their claws, but then a historic collapse ensued and they let it get away.  The major problem was on the defensive side of the ball, so that is where they Falcons should look to upgrade.  They could stand to upgrade at SS over Ricardo Allen and could look at a couple guys with their first pick.  UCONN’s Obi Melifownu and Michigan’s Jabrill Peppers are the ones I speak of.  Obi has a rare blend of size, speed, power, and playmaking ability.  Pairing him opposite Keanu Neal would give the Falcons one of the most intimidating duos of safeties in the entire league.  Peppers is uber athletic but teams still don’t have a clear idea of where to play him.  He could be a linebacker, he could be a safety.  His talent can’t be denied, and wherever he ultimately end ups, it’s not hard to envision him becoming a star.

In Round 2 the Falcons could look at bringing in some competition at right tackle.  Ryan Schraeder is the current starter and he’s average at best.  Late in round 2 the Falcons could be looking at FSU’s Roderick Johnson or Tennessee’s Antonio Garcia.  Johnson has good size, a nice wingspan, and good footwork.  His overall strength is in question but he could get there with a few months in the weight room.  Garcia also has a nice long reach, but some think his future may be inside at guard.  The Falcons could go back to upgrading their defense in round 2.  They could bring in some corner depth.  This is a deep class and they could see players like Fabian Moreau, Quincy Wilson, or Ahkello Witherspoon still on the board.  They could also bring in another pass rusher.  Dwight Feeney’s career is likely done so the Falcons could bring in a Derek Rivers, Demarcus Walker, or Jordan Willis to take his spot in the pass rushing rotation.

In round 3 the Falcons could look at tackles if they have yet to take one.  Big and nasty Adam Bisnowaty could be on the board.  So could USC’s Zach Banner.  Banner is a huge sasquatch of a man standing 6’8 and tipping the scales at 350+ pounds.  That is the concern though, as his weight has gotten out of hands at times, and he’s pushed the 400 hundred mark a couple of times.  They could look at pass rushers here.  Tanoh Kpassagnon’s name may be hard to spell and pronounce, but his ability to get after quarterbacks is very easy to see.  They may also be interested in Tarrell Basham, who is much more than just a cool ass name.  If the Falcons still need secondary depth, they could look at some corners here late on Friday night.  Corn Elder, Damontae Kazee, Rasul Douglas, and Jourdan Lewis are just a few of the names they may see available. If for some reason the Falcons haven’t taken a safety yet, they’d hope players like Eddie Jackson, Marcus Williams, or Justin Evans are still on the board here.


Plan of Attack for the 2017 NFL Draft | Pittsburgh Steelers

The Draft is nigh, so  it’s time to take a detailed look at each team’s acquisitions and losses and gauge a plan of attack for how they should approach the first three rounds.  We’ll start with the lowly Cleveland Browns and work our way all the way up to the Super Bowl Champs in New England.  The Pittsburgh Steelers are up this lovely Friday.


Team Needs:  S, TE, CB, OL, LB

Free Agent Losses: OLB Jarvis Jones, LB Lawrence Timmons, WR Markus Wheaton

Free Agent Acquisitions: TE David Johnson (resigned), QB Landry Jones (resigned), DE Tyson Alualu, RB Knile Davis, WR Justin Hunter, CB Coty Sensabaugh

See who we have the Steelers taking in the following Updated Mocks| Ultimate | Onebar | Lupagus 

Potential Round 1 Targets:  CB Marlon Humphrey, CB Gareon Conley, CB Kevin King, G Forrest Lamp, S Obi Melifonwu, TE Evan Engram, TE David Njoku, OT Cam Robinson, OT Garrett Bolles

Potential Round 2 Targets:   CB Teez Tabor, CB Fabian Moreau, CB Quincy Wilson, CB Chidobe Awuzie, CB Ahkello Witherspoon, G Dan Feeney, G/T Dion Dawkins, G/T Taylor Moton, G/T Antonio Garcia, S Budda Baker, S Desmond King, S Marcus Maye, LB Raekwon McMillan, LB Jarrad Davis, OLB Ryan Anderson

Potential Round  3 Targets: CB Jourdan Lewis, CB Corn Elder, CB Rasul Douglas, G Dorian Johnson, G/C Ethan Pocic, G/C Pat Elflein, LB Anthony Walker Jr., LB Kendall Beckwith, LB Alex Anzalone, OT Adam Bisnowaty, OT Zach Banner                                                                    

Plan of Attack:
The Steelers head into the 2017 Draft without a lot of glaring needs.  Their biggest need is still in the secondary as they could stand to upgrade over Mike Mitchell at safety and Ross Cockrell at corner.  That is the area that they are likely to address with the 3oth pick. At safety they could look at UCONN’s Obi Melifonwu.  He has a crazy combination of size, speed, power, and athletic ability.  The dude can do it all, and it boggles ones mind why he isn’t universally rated higher.  At corner, they could have a ton of guys they’d like.  Alabama’s Marlon Humphrey, Ohio St.’s Gareon Conley, and big Kevin King from Washington could be options.  King, like I said, is big.  He’s 6’3 200 lbs, with great speed, and overall athleticism.  King can match up with any wide receiver the AFC can throw at him. One last position the team could take in round 1 is tight end.  They lost Heath Miller a season or two ago and just have a bunch of “guys” now at the position.  They could look to land a potential star here.  They’d love to see Miami’s David Njoku available, but that’s unlikely.  They could reach slightly here and grab Ole Miss’ Evan Engram.  He is a great catcher of the football with good movement, size and speed.  He won’t be an asset in the blocking department, but could quickly become a favorite target of Big Ben.

In round 2 the Steelers could continue to address the secondary.  At safety, a guy who would be a good fit is Washington’s Budda Baker.  Baker plays a reckless style of football, and isn’t afraid to throw his body in harms way.  He is a little reminiscent of Troy Polamalu.  At corner they could look at Teez Tabor, Ahkello Witherspoon, or Quincy Wilson.  The Steelers could also look to add some depth on their offensive line.  They are set at starters, but if the injury bug comes biting, they could find themselves in trouble.  They could look at some versatile guys like Temple’s Dion Dawkins, Tennessee’s Antonio Garcia, or maybe they get lucky and Western Michigan’s Taylor Moton slides all the way to the end of round 2.  Any of these guys can come in and add valuable depth at the tackle and guard positions.  Teams that run the 3-4 front can never have enough pass rushers.  So the Steelers could go that route in the second round.  If they do, Auburn’s Carl Lawson, Alabama’s Ryan Anderson and Kansas St.’s Jordan Willis would be guys they could bring into the Steel Curtain.

In round 3, the Steelers have two picks thanks to the compensatory system.  They could look at landing their tight end of the future with the first choice.  Some tight ends they’d look at in round 3 would be, Adam Shaheen, Jake Butt, and Bucky Hodges.  Shaheen is a small school standout.  He’s got the size and speed team’s go crazy for but there will be questions about the competition level he faced.  He could have a lengthy adjustment period to the NFL game.  Butt is an all around solid end, who is a good blocker as well as receiver.  He is coming off an injury, and questions will remain about just when he’ll be ready to compete at 100% full strength.  The Steelers could continue to bolster their secondary in round 3.  They could look at corners like Corn Elder, Rasul Douglas, and Damontae Kazee.  They could kick the tires on some safeties like Eddie Jackson, Marcus Williams or Justin Evans.  They could bring in linebacker depth with Alex Anzalone, Kendall Beckwith or Anthony Walker Jr.  Their offensive line could also stand to get deeper and players like nasty Adam Bisnowaty or Zach Banner could be options late in the third round.

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